I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
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“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base