I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
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Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso