I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
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Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”