I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

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Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?


5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.


COP: careful, this guy’s insane
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ


I love how Prince Charming is so dumb he doesn’t recognize Cinderella without her shoe.


I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions


Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.


[Doctor office]
-How are you feeling?
-Not good.
-Any side effects from the medication?
*cries tears of fire*
-Now that you mention it…


Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.


Dad: Remember when I told you Santa wasnt real
Me: Yea
Dad: There’s one more thing
Me: Don’t say it
Dad: Retirement
Me: *sobs uncontrollably


I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.