@prufrockluvsong

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

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@Tommytoughstuff

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

@bobvulfov

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

@LuvPug

I love how Prince Charming is so dumb he doesn’t recognize Cinderella without her shoe.

@julcasagrande

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

@sixfootcandy

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

@Dr_awfulpants

[Doctor office]
-How are you feeling?
-Not good.
-Any side effects from the medication?
*cries tears of fire*
-Now that you mention it…

@karanbirtinna

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

@theshamingofjay

Dad: Remember when I told you Santa wasnt real
Me: Yea
Dad: There’s one more thing
Me: Don’t say it
Dad: Retirement
Me: *sobs uncontrollably

@FuckTyping

I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.