I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
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[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward