@Tommytoughstuff
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
@prufrockluvsong
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
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@Tommytoughstuff
@XplodingUnicorn
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
@bobvulfov
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
@LuvPug
I love how Prince Charming is so dumb he doesn’t recognize Cinderella without her shoe.
@julcasagrande
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
@sixfootcandy
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
@Dr_awfulpants
[Doctor office]
-How are you feeling?
-Not good.
-Any side effects from the medication?
*cries tears of fire*
-Now that you mention it…
@karanbirtinna
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
@theshamingofjay
Dad: Remember when I told you Santa wasnt real
Me: Yea
Dad: There’s one more thing
Me: Don’t say it
Dad: Retirement
Me: *sobs uncontrollably
@FuckTyping
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.