I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

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mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital


If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.


me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings


Ants can lift something 50 times their body weight. Wow. That means you can lift a leaf. Cool. I could do that when I was 14. Tiny idiots.


The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.


I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.


Cauliflower is just cabbage rocking an afro.


Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.


I hate it when I have lots of visitors but only enough chloroform for one and have to use it on myself.


Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes