I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
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it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
yikes
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.