Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

We are the people our parents warned us about.

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.