Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.

“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.