Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

Me: *opening trunk*

Tied up Guy: ope

Me: omg this isn’t my car

Tied up Guy:

Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing

Tied up Guy: happens to everyone

Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

Help

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.

How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”