I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
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Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
the best thing i’ve ever made
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.