I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
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Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.