I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
You Might Also Like
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
