Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”

9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.

“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

how was your vacation

“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭

Me on my way to annoy my favorite person

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…

– Adam Sandler being handed a script

*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Me: I don’t wanna

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now