Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

Hello, my name is Pierre.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.

I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.

My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long

Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.

When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.

That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.

He’s hoping to make big bucks.

It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give