Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I did not take a DNA test…

Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI

From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?