Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen

If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM

“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”

this got me crying😭😭

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.

won’t smith

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.

When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly

only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.