I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
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Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I only eat vegetarians.