“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
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the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Cha-ching is my safe word
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Fights fire with marshmallows
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing