I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure this Santa shaped chocolate oughta settle my stomach
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Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
is nasa ok
Me: *falling asleep*
My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
gentlemen, hear me out
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.