Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

[road trip]

Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!

Kid: but

Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.

People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.