Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.

Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence

Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

The dark side of Canada

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?

Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.

Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…

[prison]

PRISONER: what’s for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans