Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

Meth is short for Elizameth.

Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

[heaven]

ME: so about those footprints…

GOD: footprints?

ME: from when you carried me

GOD: wasn’t me

ME: well then who—

GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

Sombrero is better than nobrero.

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”

– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.