Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains

Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.

She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?

Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.

Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.

So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.