I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
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I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
*immediately after a hysterectomy*
ok weigh me now.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
#ProTip
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.