Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead

Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu

What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising

As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”

Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone

A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.