Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous

IKEA Manager: Sir.

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today

Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.

My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.

“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad