I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
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Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift