Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

How many calories are in Twitter beef?

ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?

Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.