Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

Can’t. Being lazy.

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.

Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.

Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.