Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.

8-year-old: Why?

Me: For what you did last night.

8: You were supposed to forget about that.

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

A farmer asked his neighbor

“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”

“Castor oil”

The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”

“Killed mine too”

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.

a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.