Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

Banderslack Clamberdorch

My Guy

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?

Dr: I hate this job.

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.

Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

That’s as old as the hills

hills: (offended) Hey

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

Mum: get me a plate

Me: which plate?

Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter

*brings plate*

Mum: no not that one

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching

911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click

[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]

Her: Hi!

Him, making a weird face: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …

Her: …

Him: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

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I just bought a Goodyear blimp.