Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night

Friend:

Inventor: the 6 means 30

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.

*Summer camps have entered the chat.*

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”

Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”

Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.

~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school