Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

Essential viewing in these troubled times.

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”

Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”

“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

Boss: “Just go..”

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.

I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.