Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

Nice mustache, bro.

Her: What?

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons

Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit