Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.

A pipe burst.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

I put the p in pants.

Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.

Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot

Me: Did you end it early?

Date: No I wanna finish this dessert

My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now

Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want.

Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.