I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
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liiiiiiiiike
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??