I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
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Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.