I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
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Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
How software testing works
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie