Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

6: how do you spell once?

Me: o-n-c-e

6: how do you spell upon?

Me: u-p-o-n

6: how do you spell-

Me: what are you doing?

6: writing a story. how do you spell…

It’s going to be a long weekend.

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties

Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself

My dog after a walk in the woods.

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

Me: How was school?

11-year-old: It was a normal day.

Me: So it was good?

11: I didn’t say that at all.

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this