Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

To clean up or just move. This is the question.

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

🔥🔥

paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

Proctologist = Analyst

Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself

Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?

Me : I’m kind of AMPED.

Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you

Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.

You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?

Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.

The human body is 70% water and 30% land

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”