Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

inflation so bad pets are getting jobs

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

welp

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.

“Can I be completely honest with you?”

— someone about to piss me off

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

*slowly slides PBJ under seat*

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Seems a bit forward

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.