I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
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[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
#DesignFail
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.