Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?

Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.

Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!

Me: *facepalm*

CDC: Stop that.

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to