Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”

Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it

(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

Priest: tell me your confessions

Me: I said the f word twice this week

Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?