Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

stand with me against insufficient seating

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.

This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao

Me: what stopped you

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.