I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
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[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
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Me: Same
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Every time my phone rings
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*