Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
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don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
what’s the point then??
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.