I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
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I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Cats are still liquid.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*