Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.

If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.

I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.

Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?

On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.

– Old folks home fortune cookie

[ interview at funeral home ]

director: are you ok being around death

me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.

CHEF: Thank you.

ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”