Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

reduce, reuse, recycle

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack

Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????

Im out of cotton balls. 😒

😭

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.