Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: We need to see you for a moment

Me: Is this about the nail clipping?

He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

Battery falling down a hole

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.

people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.