Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.

Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.

You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework

KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song

barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off

I’m a perfektionist, this is expozure therappy

science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”

– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”