I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
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[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
These are my emotional support Pringles.
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
worst…sale…ever
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.