I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
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I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
*pokes sex life with a stick
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.