Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Hi mirror

BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk

ME: Hi mirror

BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.

me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous

me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?

Murderer: [stabs me]

Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]

Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?