I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
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Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Duck typos.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.