I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
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A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
making my dog give me my pills
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women
Him: If you drink a lot of beer, you get a beer gut. If you smoke a lot of weed, you get a pot belly. Haha I’m hilarious
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I have a PhD in minding my own business. I’m an uninterestedologist.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target