Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS

*breaks glass*

*a glazed honey ham pops out*

“Nice nice”

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.

Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”

– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.