Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”

i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

Be the reason someone burns sage.

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect