I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
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There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot