Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😩

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

Here’s a meme

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

Me: I’d kill for your body.

Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…

Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder

I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months