Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.

That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”

I like it thick and deep

Pizza