i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
You Might Also Like
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.