i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
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My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21