Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me:

Teen: [returns to bedroom]

Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]

“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day

Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?

Me: How dare you

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.

I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

Cops should stop the use of dogs.

There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.

No one would mess with a police bear.

6: you’ll always be my mom right?

me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!

6: what if you’re dead

me: wtf

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.