I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
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Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.