I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
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Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Phonetics
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
This kid is going places
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Stop judging people for what app they escape reality with and go back to judging them for what month they were born in
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I have never related to a cat more
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter