Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.

Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like

Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”

Genie:

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now