I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
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*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!