I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
You Might Also Like
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.