Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

👾👾👾

“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”

-cats

this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy

dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.

I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.

Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes

The legends were true

Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?