Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

😞

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.

Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.

Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease

Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.

Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s