I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
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Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Somebody’s lying.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
The two types of wives
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
when mom throws a party…
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.