I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
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[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Yep.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
*looks at you in batman voice*
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”