I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
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I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Still cracks me up
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back